August 2009
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Adrias took me to task for Kal's death. It's not like he sat me down and yelled at me, or even scolded me. He doesn't have to do that. He has this way of asking you calm quiet questions and you sort of find yourself at the conclusion he wants you to reach. I don't disagree with his points, but its never as black and white as he makes it appear. What's painful about it is that he makes you realize that it wasn't what you did that was wrong, it's what you failed to do, or chose not to, that leads to your downfall. I was in charge of the hunt. By default that makes me responsible for what happens. I can accept that. It is the burden of leadership and responsibility. Adrias' questions seemed simple, but were loaded with hidden meanings. "Did you tell everyone to stand still?" "Did you tell them to attack?" "What did you tell them exactly before, during and after?" There was no judgment in his questions, just a simple questing after the facts of the situation. By answering I realized I had done nothing. I hadn't led them at all, we had all sort of just "gone with the flow." We have only been together as a group for a couple of moons. We had taken it in rotation to be leader and been very friendly about it all, so our group didn't have the tight organization and years of working together my team at Homestead operated with. In the end, all of us had grown sloppy and Kal had paid the price. It wasn't a lack of training or experience. Our years of training had allowed us to survive. It was a lack of teamwork and pure leadership that had been my failure. Looking back at how my old team would have handled it, we would have been using our Comms to manuever, make plans, and set ourselves up for both defense and offense. Instead we expected the Younglings to retreat because we knew we were bad asses and when they did not, Kal paid the price. I went up onto the ruins of the old dam after talking to Adrias so nobody could see my tears. Nobody blamed me, I think they all feel the same as Adrias talked to them as well. All I know is that when I'm in charge again, I will be a leader first and a friend second. As Adrias likes to say, "He who hesitates is lost." It's embarrassing to have to re-learn this lesson as a Guardian in training. I am better than that and Kal certainly deserved better.

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